dreAms are my rEaLity

I’ve got my head in the clouds and my feet planted firmly-- well, in the same place. I'm a dreamer and an optimist. I dream, and I believe my dreams will come true. Does that make me crazy, immature, hard to manage? Yes, probably. Explains a lot of alone time, doesn’t it?

I “DREAM” of finding that guy. I “BELIEVE” I will. I almost sometimes, hope that maybe I already have. It would save me a lot of time and trouble. Most days I look into the pot of potentials on my dating site and “dream” of a bigger pot with more choices, or just the choices I want.

My maven is out there. I can feel him getting closer. My path has taken some interesting twists and turns, so it would have been difficult finding me up until now. I didn’t want to be found; I hid, tucked safely way behind big cities, busy jobs, and excuses. I was driving at warp speed and when I finally put on the brakes, discovered that life, love, all of it had passed me by. I was alive, for I was breathing in and out. But when did I exhale? All the driving, hurrying, running, hiding, working my fingers to the bone, pretending it was life. What was I doing, actually? I’ve had to look those questions in the eye and answer them today, and now have the audacity to wonder – Where is he?

Maybe I’ve already met him. Was it Buboy who sat next to me in grade five and stared at me with teary eyes when I was scolded our teacher? Was it that cute boy who was the last on the bus route in third year high? Is it that cute guy in line at the bank who instead of making eye contact with, I chose to stare at my shoes? Or was it that shy guy at the office that someone later told me was the one putting cup cakes near my computer? Did I dismiss him like a child from the room? Was I kind? Was I cruel? Was I rude? Maybe God punished me for not being pure of heart when he brought him to me, and now my hell on earth is to live my days looking for him.

I have met men who make my blood boil, made every inch of my body burn with desire and some who have made my heart beat so fast I feared it would beat right out of my chest. But if what I really needed was someone who made my heart beat slower? Not so slow that it would be in danger of stopping altogether, just beat at a pace that I can hear for a change. A pace I can understand. It would feel like a warm blanket wrapped around my shoulders; it wouldn’t need to cover me completely to be exactly what I needed to feel safe and warm.

He is etched in my brain. His face is soft and complicated at the same time. Eyes somewhere between dark brown to light brown and their gaze feels like a spring day-- warm, inviting, and full of light. Full crimson lips that beckon me to kiss them. Hands that tell of young days of hard work, firm and thickened-- and I crave them in mine. He wears no cologne, but when he does it's intoxicating to the senses. He carries himself well but inside desires to be taller, dark, all the things he thinks women want. He is exactly what I want. Confident and insecure, searching for himself in all he does. He too is searching for that kindred soul-– the one who will love him enough to let him off the hook--for he’s weary and needs a rest from life-– and from himself.

Like me, he needs to exhale-- URGENTLY. But exhaling means letting go, it means facing his own mortality, vulnerability, and fate. It means facing his past and his future squarely in the face with the same eyes. He will fight it, and he will lose. He doesn’t like losing; being in control defines him and he despises variables, especially the ones he can’t see, feel, or even touch. But he does feel them, he feels them deeply and to his core.

He runs away, never towards. He plays by his own rules but he hasn’t met me yet, and when he does, all those rules will go out the window. He will be powerless and terrified. I will smile and move towards him. My steady gaze will tell him everything he needs to know. The world will be silent, the sound of our breath and our hearts will be the only thing we hear, the only thing that matters. And when finally, his will to resist all but disappears, I will take his trembling, calloused hand in mine and he will be loved.

My maven, the one I choose to shine with outside of my body, outside of my soul-- is still out there. If I see him, I will know now. Like the simple soul of a child, the purest hearts to ever grace this earth-- my heart will remain pure, open and I will brazenly ask God to bring him back my way. I will not waste this chance, for it may be my last . . .

Yes, I’m a “dreamer”. And I powerfully BELIEVE that DREAMS can come true.

sorry nah!

I have been having these feelings lately, like you're out there searching for me. We ended on such bad terms and I ache for that closure we never attained. It's not that I loved you, I have moved on but I still do love you from afar. There were so many things left unsaid, so many harsh words, so much pain and then the silence. I remember seeing you that night and you walked out mumbling something about our misunderstanding. I understand why you felt that way, but that would have not happened. I get phone calls at my residence from people we know asking about what our problem is. And it is really weird. I ignored them, because I would not tell them anything even if I did. I hope you're okay and doing well, I miss your sense of adventure as I have become quite the homebody and I miss just having fun. But don't get me wrong, I am happy now. But there is always going to be that part of my soul that is going to drift and try to find answers to questions that haunt me to this day. I am sorry about all that crap that went on in our pasts, it was so intense and life changing. Please know that I have forgiven you, and I hope one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me too.

nhe_032104

sTarted

I'm this ordinary girl, which happenes to be talkative in the class. I'm still a senior high school that time and I never had a boyfriend before so i'm unexperienced. I'm not so lucky because I belong in a class wherein males are outnumbered by females. There were only seven males and five of them were on the third sex. Wheew!

On the first week of class, I had an unknown textmate. My classmates used to get my phone and they were the one texting my mysterious texter. I'm not enterainig it that much because I'm too afraid of what he looks like.(kinda cheesy, right? Malay ko kasi that time kung ano hitsura non and in fact, hindi ko gusto ang my katextmate.)

Then one day when I was so upset, I've got my phone to text my friends that can somehow ease what I feel. But I almost texted all of them but I've got no reply. And when suddenly, this "textmate" that I used to ignore texted. Hay, lalo talaga akong nabadtrip bakit ba sya pa ang nagtext. But I opted to text back because I have no choice. I told myself, hmmp, pagtitiyagaan ko na lang nga!hehehe. And it started there. I've found out after a text or two na medyo gumaan pakiramdam ko. It's a good thing talaga na may nahihingaan ng sama na loob especially sa isang taong hindi mo pa lubusang kilala. And to cut the story short we became friends. And a few months later, I've noticed that I'm starting to fall from him.(uyyy) He courted me. At first, I tried to show him that I'm an uninterested. When we first met, I just smiled politely, not showing any interest for him as a lover but just as a friend (syempre kailangang magpakipot). No, but I'm just really afraid to be hurt.

Then, everyday he would visit me at my school and would always bring something to eat. My gosh, ang mga bruha kong friends enjoy na enjoy kasi libre na lahat. They are teasing me to answer na daw the guy, para lalong sumarap meriendang dinadala. Then I said, tsehh, kayo na lang sumagot if you like. And then, tawanan sila.

After eleven months of courting, I finally answered him. It was March 21, 2004. At that night, he called me and told me that he was too lucky (chenes). I suddenly felt-- I don't know, kinda happy, jumpy and tingly.

The next day, I was surprised to see him really early. I mean he never goes to school early. And I mean NEVER, when I look at him, he said, I love you some people heard it. At lunch, I ate in the cafeteria when all of a sudden my friends sat next to me asked "kayo na?" and other said, are you two dating? I quickly denied kasi naman alam kong mang-aasar sila kasi nga I told them na hindi ko sasagutin kasi I don't love him. After a week, I have decided to tell my friends about it and yun nga inulan ako ng pang-aasar at panunukso. And after a few days, nagsubside na rin pang-aasae nila. Thank God.

The next few months, I've come to know him better and I was so happy to have him in my life. Now, we are on our sixth year together and we are blessed with a baby girl.

SECREttttt

...psst, may sasabihin ako. Isang secretong napakalaki-- malaki na siguro to. Uhm, nagadadalawang isip kasi ako baka sabihin mo sa kanya eh. Pero sige na nga, okay lang kung makaabot sa kanya. Kasi ganito, hindi ko alam kung saan at paano nagumpisa lahat. Kasi napansin ko na lang eh humahanga na ako sa kanya! Imagine, narealize ko na lang isang araw na crush ko na siya. Parang magic. Isang kabuteng tumubo na lang basta without that much effort, ahaha. Sa totoo lang hindi ko naman talaga alam kung ano ba talaga ang nagustuhan ko sakanya. Siguro dahil mabait siya. Responsable. Cute naman ng konti, hehehe, peace! Pero bakit ba nagkakacrush pa rin ako? Masyado na ba akong malandi? Hay, okay lang, kasi alam ko naman na lilipas lang 'to. Siguro magigising na lang ako ulit isang araw na hindi na sya nag-e-exists sa sistema ko.

Wala naman, isa lang syang inspirasyon na maituturing, siyempre, wala ng ibang hihigit pa sa ama ng anak ko sa puso ko noh! Hehe, tart, sorry na alam mo naman na may crush ako, di ba?? Sinasabi ko naman sayo lahat kasi ayokong magtago. Tsaka relax ka lang jan, kasi mahal na mahal kita, okay. At hindi kita ipagpapalit kahit na kay Albert Martinez lang, hahaha.

Hindi naman siguro maituturing na kasalanan ang magkaroon lang naman ng crush di ba as long as hindi sosobra sa limitasyon. Now, alam nyo na ba kung sino crush ko? Wag nyo na lang sigurong alamin pangalan nya kasi baka lumaki ulo. Most often than not, may mga tao kasi kapag alam nila na may humahanga sa kanila eh lumalaki ulo kaya siguro I'll keep it this way na wag nang ireveal kung sino siya, hehehe. Minsan nakakatakot talagang umamin kasi nakakahiya, tapos naguumpisa ng magkaroon ng gap sa pagitan nyo. Kaya, I would opt na wag na lang. Basta point out ko lang ulit na may hinahangaan ako, isa sainyo-- who knows, ikaw na, oo ikaw na bumabasa nito. Except syempre ang kabaro ko noh-- gurlz, hindi tayo talo ah, hehe.

Sige na malapit na uwian, kaya hanggang dito na lang muna...

aNaku

For my little girl-- anaku!

I as a mother, working at the same time, I don’t have all day to spend with my baby, So as much as possible, I try to reach out, to know her through other people like my neighboors and her nanny. It's hard to be as a working mom, kasi hindi mo nasusubaybayan ng maayos ang paglaki ng anak mo. Minsan nga masakit unawain na mas kilala pa ng anak ko ang nagaalaga sa kanya kesa sakin. But what can I do, I'm working because I'm doing it for her own good. so that I can provide her with the things she needs. Kahit na kapalit nun oras sa kanya. Pero pagkagaling ko naman ng trabaho kahit pagod na pagod na ako but once makita ko na anak ko hay, nawawala lahat ng pagod ko. And cute na nga eh, naguumpisa na siyang tumayo, minsan nga para nakong baliw kasi naluluha ako everytime my bago syang natututuhan.

Anaku, I have written three letters to you with a paper and a pen since you were born, kahit na hindi mo pa mababasa. They are sealed and hidden somewhere sa mga gamit ko. Maybe they will get lost in some time, or maybe you will find them years from now at mabasa mo at hindi ko alam magiging reaction mo, kung matutuwa ka o maiinis sa kakornihan ng nanay mo.

Anaku, gusto ko lang naman sabihin na, I hope you ne'er miss your sense of curiosity. You get your satisfaction to eat but always keep that crave. May you never take one single breath for granted. God forbid love ever leave you hollow handed,I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean. Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens. Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance. I hope when you grow up, you can understand our situation. Yun lang naman at wala ng iba, basta lagi mo lang pakakatandaan na mahal na mahal na mahal kita. --nanay...

iNaKu

God gave me listings
of mother's names
and pictures of them too.


I searched and searched
they all looked the same

and then I saw you.

Who is this woman?

I asked the Jesus

She looks quite dainty to me.

You have chosen well my child.

And he spoke these words to me.

She is kind and soft

and very wise

and she will hold you

close to her

when you cry.

Her eyes will shine

when you take your first step
and smile at your delight.

She will show her pride
when you succeed
and pick you up
when you fail.


She will work hard
to give you the best she can
and rock you to sleep with weary time worn hands.


She wil shelter you
on stormy days
and drie your fears away.


She will bask with you
in sunshine on
sunny summer days.


And when you are grown
like you soon will be
She will still be there
To comfort you.


I choose her.
I told the Lord
For none like her
I've seen before.
And the day came
when I was born.

I had chosen well
of this I'm sure.
I picked you
above the rest
and because I did
My life is blessed

-=:fiNe bUt nEver beeN beTter_

You get upset when you’re caught in the mess you’ve made.

You'll tell a lie, try to obscure, and believe you'll get away.

Didn’t the word say, “There is nothing hidden that will not be discovered,

Or concealed that will be made known”? I really strongly believe in this locution.

You skip to hide all the things the light has shown.

And you still don’t see,

“Your venom may be concealed by deceit, but your loathsomeness will be exposed in the assembly.”

You stir up a cunning riot to differ what is true.

It’s simply something you always do.

It’s somewhat amusing how you talk about

Thinking that no one has seen your den

To the ignorance, an obnubilate

To the hauteur which raises a fist

Your ways are counted and numbered

During the nights and days you’ve slumbered

It’s a quiescency soul as black as ember.

The sirens hollered ahead

But you chose to take a chance.

You’re a fool masked to be wise,

But now you’re faced up with your barriers of lies.

Your aftermaths were foretold,

But you apparently opted to achieve for every piece of gold.

You chose the back road

That horse you rode

And now you face the price.

You’ve finally rolled your last dice.

And we're back at the beginning.