BiTz of ReaLity

The most PAINFUL type of love there is, is LOVE that is left NAMELESS. A love that cannot be expressed. A love that is considered to be intemperately guarded. A love that cannot be accepted of all the great unwashed. Affection is left unshown. It's a love that hides behind a mask of happiness and mirth. Yet, all that's felt down deep inside is pain, misery and annoyance. It's the love that tries to hide away how much it really cares. It keeps locked within its heart and the feeling is flowing alone. This love recoups touching, afraid of what it would say. And the most atrocious thing about a concealed love is that, IT NEVER FADES AWAY!

efp_21

i love you...i love her

Ang isa sa pinakamasakit na mangyayari sa isang relasyon eh yung malaman mo na pinagtataksilan ka ng taong mahal mo. Pinagkakatiwalaan mo siya ng buong buo yun pala hindi mo alam na habang naghihintay ka ng text o tawag niya eh nakikipaglambingan na pala siya sa iba. Ang sakit! Parang ang sarap pumatay ng tao [pero ayoko makulong ng dahil sa ganun!hmp, papakulam ko na lang!haha-- jokens]. Pero inaamin ko na hindi naman talaga ako galit sa mga taong katulad nila kasi naman may ibat'-ibang dahilan kung bakit nangyayari at nagagawa nila ang mga bagay na hindi dapat. Sabihin niyo ng mali ako pero malawak lang talaga pang-intindi ko. Kasi naman bakit ako tututol sa mga ganyan na bagay kung yun pala ang nakakapagpaligaya sa kanila na hinding-hindi ko kayang ibigay [ang lupet ko!]. Bakit ko sila pakikialaman eh mga buhay nila yun at hindi na sila mga bata na hindi marunong ng tama o mali. Pero minsan natanong nyo na ba sarili nyo, ano nga ba ang dahilan bakit may mga taong kagaya nila? Bakit nila nagagawa yun? Sa pagkakataong ito, sabayan nyo akong lawakan ang inyong mga isipan at subukan natin silang unuwain dahil baka naman -

Nabobored na siya - hindi ka na siguro katulad ng dati na sweet at thoughtful. Yung tipong, dati magtetext kang, "kumain knb?" "ingat lagi" ung tipong alarm clock ng tinatawag. O baka naman sa 10 taon niyong pagsasama eh hindi mo pa siya nailalabas para magdate? O kaya, hindi kna nag-i-i-love you, eh talaga namang mababagot yun at maghahanap ng iba.

Di siya makuntento - aminin natin na minsan talaga hindi tayo makuntento sa kung anong meron tayo kaya naghahanap pa tayo ng “MAS”, mas pogi, mas macho, mas mayaman o kaya mas malambing, mas masarap, mas magaling[saan?!?!haha, ehem]. Kung ganun malamang ngang maghahanap at maghahanap yun ng ibang tutugon sa pagkukulang ng isa.[kaya suggest ko na lang na be creative!harharhar at mahabang tawa pa!]

Mahina siya sa tukso - may mga tao talagang mahina sa tukso. Kahit di nila gustong gawin, wala silang palag dahil palay na mismo ang lumalapit. Tao lang ako, yun ang lagi nilang dahilan.

Hindi siya makapili kung sino talaga ang mahal niya - minsan magugulat na lang tayo paggising natin sa umaga marerealize natin na unti unti na pala tayong nahuhulog sa ibang taong madalas nating kausap o kasama. Tapos magiisip tayo ng magiisip kung sino ba talaga ang mahal natin pero dahil sa hindi tayo makapali, ang tanging paraan ay ang pagsabayin sila.[o diba, i'm sure maraming makakarelate-- am i right or definitely and totally right?]

Naghahanap ng atensiyon - baka naman wala ka nang oras sa kaniya. Puro nalang pagtatrabaho, pag-i-internet, pagpapaganda o pagaaral ang inaatupag mo. Baka hindi mo na rin napapansin ang bagong niyang gupit, t-shirt o sapatos kaya naghanap ng ibang taong magbibigay ng mas maraming atensiyon.

Nagsasawa na siya - ang mga tao mabilis magsawa, maumay, gusto laging bago. Ganun talaga tayong mga tao eh, walang permanenteng kasiyahan. Kaya nga hindi tayo nagiging lubusang masaya dahil hindi tayo marunong makuntento.Laging mapaghanap ng kung anong wala.

Gustong maghiganti - eto yung mga taong nabiktima na rin ng mga salawahan at gustong maghiganti. Ganito ang kadalasan nilang sinasabi, “May babae ang boyfriend ko kaya manlalalaki rin ako para maramdaman rin niya kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. Bakit siya lang ba may karapatang manloko?!?” [which is wrong based on my own experience kasi kapag nagkataon, sa huli tayo rin and lugi, tapos iiyak-iyak kasi pareho silang nawala sa buhay mo.]

Gusto lang magmayabang at patunayang malakas ang appeal niya - mas maraming boyfriend o girlfriend, mas malakas daw ang dating. Minsan gusto lang din nilang magmayabang sa tropa na marami siyang girlfriend o boyfriend dahil gwapo o maganda siya. Sadyang likas na sa kaniya ang maging babaero o lalakero, wala tayong magagawa kung sadyang ganiyan ang boyfriend o girlfriend mo, dahil kahit anong gawin mo, mangbababae at manglalalaki yang jowa mo dahil ipinanganak na siyang ganiyan. At hindi malayong mangyari na mamatay na rin siyang ganiyan. Naku wag naman sana! ang brutal ko talaga! sensya na. Kaya siguro tanggapin mo na lang ang katotohanan o di kaya humanap kna lang ng iba!wehehe

Sa ngayon yan palang ang naiisip kong maaring maging dahilan. Kung may iba pa, yun ay di ko na alam. Kaya sa mga taong naging biktima ng pagtataksil isipin din natin na baka tayo ang may pagkukulang. Para naman sa mga “two timer”, minsan sana wag maging manhid, isipin niyo rin na sa gagawin mong yan, may taong masasaktan. Hindi ba’t masakit kung sa iyo gagawin yan ng taong mahal mo? Mabilis ang karma at ang masaklap dumarating yan sa pagkakataong hindi mo inaasahan [hindi ko naman hinihiling na makarma ka kasi buhay mo yan eh, kapit papano my dignidad ka pa rin naman.] At kapag tinamaan ka ng karma, triple ang balik niyan sayo, MANIWALA KA!, [sabi nila, nanakot ba]

Well, for now, hanggang dito na lang muna, inaalis ko lang talaga antok ko, pero mukhang wa effect. Hay, ang dami ko pang gagawin pero inuna ko to kasi nasa mood akong maglathala kasi pag-ako tinamad magtipa at nagsiwalaan na mga nasa isip ko malamang maasar nanaman ako sa sarili ko! Oh siya, dito na lang talaga kasi baka mahuli ako na hindi "work related" ginagawa ko, lagi pa naman pumunta dito si rebondedbala. Haiz-- efp is signing off-- for now, be back later kung may maisip naman akong ishare!...

gUilt & tAntrums

The other day was one of those days that rocks me to my nitty-gritty and troubles me deep down inside. One of those days that has questioning my ability to be a mother, let alone a good mother.

One of those days that I have the feeling like somewhere down the road of my life I went terribly wrong and made a bad decision to become a mother because I was obviously failing miserably. One of those days that ALL mothers have. Doesn't matter who you are, where you live, rich or poor, ALL mothers have these days but most don't like to broadcast them. One of those days where I feel I'm in too deep, in over my head and I can't seem to see the bigger picture.

My God! What happened, I asked? Nothing major and don't take this post as some desperate cry for help. It is just me purging my feelings out into the world, hoping that somewhere someone else will say, "Hey, I've felt that way too. You aren't a freak at all!"

Before it happened, my day was great. I'm with my friends at work we tell stories, we shared jokes, check our account on Facebook, we visited our blogs and blog about everything under the sun to lighten up our life a bit. We had fun, laughed and enjoyed each other's company.

Then evening hit. For some reason bath time was the breaking point for me and yna, my little anaku. Maybe it's because we are not comfortable going to sleep without taking our evening routine and also, because of the weather and I am a little tired.

I was giving yna a bathe like I do every night in her bouncy seat. On the first minute, she was enjoying it as she used to, the next few minutes she goes into a major conniption. I have no idea what set her off. Seriously, NO IDEA. Before, if I encounter things like this, I usually have some idea and can guess what drives her mad, but tonight had me stumped.

I tried to calm down yna so she wouldn't harm herself in bathing but this only raged her more. With her continuous meltdown I managed to take her out of bathe and scrambled to put a diaper on her, only to witness her rip it off minutes later. She was in a furry of her own. I wasn't even able to get to fed her because she was so upset and I didn't know what to do. I had tried changing her, wrapping her, rocking her, swaying her, pacing with her. Nothing. I then decided so make a small bottle to help calm her. Nope, she didn't want that.

My temper burst and forbearance was gone, I scolded her but I was also crying because I really don't know what's happening on her. I left her in her bed feeling defeated. After a few second, after realizing what I have acted, I rushed back to her and I instead put some petroleum jelly to soothe her butt, put some acite de manzanilla on her tummy and her soft spot because I guess she is suffered from gas pain and the like. I put her in her bed, kissed her and told her I loved her. I tried feeding her a little, but she really didn't want it. I can't put jammies on her because she is really fussy! I let her cry for a while and after a few minutes she eventually calmed down and she sort of just slowly gave out and feel asleep. Overly tired? Stopped up with upset tummy from starting solids? Teething? A guess is as good as mine. I let her rest while I walked up and headed to the door to at least refresh my mind and get some fresh air.

After the chaos, I just went into my bed and sat on the bed in a sort of zombie-like state. Like the weight of the world was just hitting me for the first time but still staring on yna's face sound asleep. While I'm staring at yna's face, I asked myself, "What am I doing? Do I have the ability, let alone the stamina for this? What would my mother going to do with me if she knows what I had done yna? Am I totally ill equipped?" These were all the thoughts that were swirling around my head.

What do you do when you feel like this? For me, I take a moment to live the emotion and really feel it. I am learning to except the fact that it is okay to have these feelings and to not like being a mother sometimes. It doesn't mean we don't love our kids or take pride in our families. It just means, like everyone else in their jobs, sometimes you get a little tapped out.

Have you ever felt this way? What was it that set you off? What works for you to regain composure and regain your focus?

I love my baby and I am proud to be her mother, but everyone has bad days sometime.

as I get matured

As i've matured, I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in[hehe]...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankes.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion-- not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others-- they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, they keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities[haha]

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

efp_21

oUch iT's hUrts

Andito ako sa opisina, nasa harap ako ng computer ng may ideang pumasok sa isip ko. Wala lang, basta na lang nag-pop-up bigla. Siguro kasi nabobore na ako ng konti sa pagtatrabaho, linggo kasi ngayon idagdag pa na konti lang ang tao dito. Wala ako masyadong makausap, makaharutan kasi hindi nagsipasok. Okay lang na gumawa ako nito total naman, eh quota na ako![hehehe]. Hindi lang ako ang nakaramdam nito-- ng ganitong klaseng sakit ng loob, siguro kayo rin. Ewan ko kung makarelate kayo, pero sa pag-iisip ko, eto ang ilan sa mga bagay na talagang naginf dahilan para sumakit loob ko, mga bagay na mahirap tanggapin [di ko kayang tanggapin- april boy?hehehe]. WHAT HURTS -

- letting go of a person you've just learned to love.
- reminiscing the good times you shared together.
- shielding ur heart to love somebody.
- trying to hide what you really feel.
- trying to hide the tears that involuntarily fall from ur eyes.
- loving a person too much without loving you in return.

- giving up someone you never thought of giving up.

- having the right love at the wrong time.
- taking the risk to fall in love again.
- hiding your relationship from someone else.
- controlling ur feelings to avoid hurting a friend.

- thinking of him every waking and sleeping moment knowing all the while that he never even thinks single thought of you.

- letting go, because everytime you see the person, you only fall deeper.
- holding back only to find out when it's too late, you both felt the same way, but were only scared to lose each other so much that you didn't let the feelings out.

- falling inlove with someone you didnt mean to fall inlove with.

- finding the perfect man, with only one problem, he doesnt love you.
- helping the one you love court your friend
- seeing the one you love crying for someone else.
- the waiting also hurts like hell.
- having to hear "I've met someone"
- agreeing to his wish to 'just be friends'.
- asking his freedom back b'coz 'he'd be happier with her'
- asking you to 'forget what everything happened' and be 'normal' friends again.
- hearing that you're treated as a little sister.

- sharing his future plans for the girl with you.

- you stopped being friends b'coz her bf/gf asked her/him to.
- being denied in front of people.
- telling u lies where he'd been when actually, he was with a 'new friend' or an 'old flame'!
- she told you she'd be leaving you to return to her ex (d one she left 4 u!)
- breaking someone's heart.
- fighting for that one thing that would make you happy.
- holding on to a person who can not guarantee you his commitment unless he fixed himself, then, you are left hanging for the moment, then he says, time will tell but you still decided to hope in him and trust him

- pretending you're fine but the truth is you feel like dying.

- pretending to be strong and recognizing your weakness
- lying in bed each night, thinking of that special person you can never have.
- being with someone you can't actually love.
- pretending you don't love a person whom you actually love.
- being in love.
- letting go even if you really don't want to having no right to say you are hurting, because it was your decision.
- seeing the person you love and was hurt because of you and not being able to help that person...
- having the courage to say I LOVE YOU to the person you love and finding out afterwards that things will never be the same again when he doesnt treat you with the same closeness as before
- having to face the fact that someone is capable of completely destroying the wall that you have set for yourself, leaving you weak and vulnerable.
- admitting that you love someone despite his imperfections
- finding out that the more you try to hate him, the more you end up loving him perhaps even more than before.
- realizing how stupid your mistakes were that led to your break-up.
- the thought that this guy, used to really love you and you loved him as well but you didn't give enough and he gave up on you
- sharing the one you love with somebody else.
- making a promises and realizing that when the time has come for that promise to be delivered, the commitment is no longer there.
- you sacrifice everything but he never sees it and still opted to leave you because he feels that it's still not enough
- the hardest thing about love - believing it exists.




After you've been hurt...
...learn to forgive
...learn to trust and love again!



efp_21

reAlization

Narealize ko na kahit na anong effort ang ibigay mo, di mo tlga ma-p-please lahat. Meron at meron pa ring di matutuwa. Well, kasi iba iba tayo ng preferences, so all we need to do is to understand each other, right? Haiz, ang akin lang, it would be better if you try to be fair at all times. Know the premises first, don't jump into conclusions. Because if you do you might hurt others' feelings, be sensitive na lang [kung meron kayo non!] Alamin din both sides of the stories hindi ung sa'yo lang pakikinggan mo o yung kay Maysala A o ung kay Maysala B. Try to be an effective judge yourself.

Hala! ang labo ko na ata, basta-- ganun. Ang gulo rin ng isip ko ngaun eh. Pro one thing narealize ko, sa panahon na pagta-trabaho ko, sobrang maraming bagay na nangyari. For sure di ko 'to makakalimutan. Pero may mga bagay at tao dito na ang lalabo. Minsan okay sila, minsan hindi. Ung iba hindi marunong umintindi. Meron silang sariling gobyerno, ayaw unmintindi ng rason ng iba ang gusto nila kung ano yung sa kanila yun na yun, fixed, final!

Which is wrong as in maling-mali! Meron naman ibang kala mo matapang pero pag nasa sitwasyon sila ng gipitan natatakot na, ilalag pa ung tinatawag nilang kaibigan. [anong klaseng tao ka ba?!] Nangangatal na at ilalabas ang sarili sa gulo! Akala mo uurungan kita, ang lakas ng loob mong magsabing mag-usap usap sa opisina ng nakakataas, yung unang insidente ngang pangyayari sa buhay mo na nadawit ka halatang-halatang takot ka, hindi mo kayang itago yun! Ang akin lang sana lang bago mo ibuka bibig mo pakaisipin mo muna ng bilyong beses bago mo isawalat nasa isip mo! Humarap ka sa salamin, pakatitigan mo mukha mo kasi yan mismo ang gumagawa ng sarili mong multo.

Wopzi-- wait lang, hindi ako nakikipagaway, sumama lang talaga ng sobra loob ko! At eto lang ata ang way para mailabas to, kasi naman kahapon pa akong hindi masaya sa mga nangyayari. Iiwas na lang ako sa mga bagay-bagay, pero ipopoint out ko na hindi bahag and buntot ko. Ayoko lang maging bida sa mga panahon ngaun, iiwas na lang ako kesa ano pa masabi ko na makakasakit ng damdamin ng iba! Ang labo-labo ko na talaga, basta I believe that every person has inherent worth and dignity at sana paniwalaan mo rin yun, kahit ang pinakamakasalanang tao kailangan pa ring bigyan ng pagkakataong ipagtanggol sarili niya...

Teka, masyado ng lumalayo, dito na lang muna. Masyado ng mainit dito sa lugar ko, i need fresh air. Punta muna ako sa may bintana kasi mejo exhausted na ako!


efp_21

gaLiT


Labing dalawang oras ng pagtatrabaho

At galit ang inihandog sa akin

Ng kinasasabikang kaibigan

Galit na nasiklaban

Na tila posporong sinindihan

At walang pasubaling itinapon

Sa isang garapon ng damdamin

Ng naglalawang gasolina

Naguumapaw na naipong mga luha

Na pinilit lunukin at bumalot

Na parang semento sa pusong

Tuluyang napuno na ng poot

Na marahil tulad ko’y maglalaho

Isasama sa aking paglisan

Bitbit: isang bote ng tubig

Isang headset

Isang libong piso

At isang lumang keyboard

H’wag mo akong subukang hanapin
Hayaang pakawalan ang lihim
Ng isang galit na malalim!


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