yna, yna and more yna

party-party

pang-asar...

Sa wakas, nagkaroon din ng oras para i-update itong blog ko. Humigit kumulang walong buwan ko rin itong hindi nabisita. Masyado lang naging busy(hehe). Anyway, sa walong buwan na yun, masyadong maraming bagay ang nangyari yung iba nga limot ko na. Sayang at hindi ko yun nailagay dito. Pero kapag naalala ko po ung iba, i-popost ko yun dito.

Sa ngaun, kaya ko naisip na tumambay dito dahil sa kaasaran ko sa mga tao sa paligid! Lalo na doon sa isang taong masyadong nagpapa-awa. Imagine, sa loob ng walong buwan grabe ang pagkainis ko sa kanya, as in! At araw-araw pa ung lumalala. Alam nyo ung pakiramdam na kung pwede pa lang manakit ng kapwa eh matagal ko ng ginawa. Pasensya na, grabe lang talaga ang inis ko and this is my way of somehow getting rid a little of my irritation.

It starts in a very simple situation. Let me tell you the history of this vexation. Asa canteen kami nun at ang napapagusapan ay sahod kasi that time, eh malapit na ang sahod. Sabi nitong "HL" na 'to (kayo na bahala kung ano magiging meaning sa inyo ng HL na yan, basta sakin yun na yun.ahaha). Sabi nya, "Wow, 22 nanaman pla magsasahod na, I know my additional payment nanaman ako." Sa amin kasi every 22nd of the month eh my additional renumeration na matatanggap and isang empleyado as his/her means of INCREASING OUTPUT. Ipagdidiinan ko talaga and words na "INCREASING OUTPUT"(hehe). Sabi kasi nya almost every month nakakatanggap sya nun. So lahat kami sa table natahimik pagkasabi nya nun. Napag-isip kami kung bakit siya laging meron? Hindi naman sa nakafeel kami na maging isang "green-eyed", Kasi naman, we know all our capabilities. Kung iisipin nga she's not really deserving for that kind of positive reinforcement noh! Why? Kasi sa lahat ng bagay eh huli sya, from having the power to produce and the caliber of her work is not that fair. Pero tanong namin bakit sya?

Porke ba wala syang absent? Porke ba pagsinabihan siyang please render extra time? In short pagiging masunurin, yun ba ang nagiging basehan kaya siya every month meron ng extrang yun? Ganun din naman kami eh. So what's the real reason ba behind all of this? Kaya eto ngaun, grabe talaga pagkainis ko sa kanya. Ang manhid-manhid pa, dami na naasar sa kanya, tapos sa kanya, wala lng. Hay naku kung pwede lang talaga tirisin sya ng pino-pinong, ginawa ko na. Minsan pa nga nakakuha xa ng kakampi c ting pating, isa rin yung epal. Talo ba ang bakla, masyadong madamdamin, iimik tapos biglang hindi, talo pa ang nagmemenopause.

WARNING: Folks, pardon me for what I'm writing on here, if you don't like this article please do not continue to read.

Anyway back to my pique. Itong "ting" na ito eh tinaguriang "motoon" I don't know what other term ang applicable sa kanya basta yun na yun. Siya ang spokesperson ni HL, kasi nga pareho sila!hehehe. Marami silang kakampi gaya na rin ni silent mode pero once na nagsalita na sya tagos hanggang kaluluwa mo at halatang my pabor talaga kna HL at ting. Imagine, hindi nya inaapura yung dalawa ng basta-basta unlike ng ginagawa nya samin. Ni hindi nga nya masabihan na tapusin agad ginagawa but instead, rison nya okay lang basta ginagawa naman! OMG talaga. One time pa my nagsabi sa akin na, mas okay pa c HL kasi kahit konti ang nagagawa eh hindi naman nag-i-idle compared to ME na maraming namang nagagawa eh ma-i-inidle naman. Gudness what more if hindi ako mag-idle, dating triple na nga nagagawa ko kapag my idle pa ako hindi pa kaya, well, sobra naman ata. Have you ever asked yourselves kung bakit minsan tinatamad gumawa ang isang tao? Dahil sa prejudice ninyo-- obviously.

Opps teka, teka lang ang puso ko mejo humihigpit na, let me inhale and exhale. Hay naku kung laging ganito talaga ang iisipin mo tatanda ka bigla. Anyway, makakaasa ka HL na patuloy kang makakatanggap ng mga salita mula sa akin. So better kasi accept mo sa sarili mo you're not deserving for any of the benefit you're receiving. Ang kapal mo naman talagang tanggapin lahat ng iyan kahit na alam mong kahit sarili mo dinadaya mo! Mabuti na lang at paalis na c ting, mawawala na ang isa pang epal...hahaha!

Well, my nalaman ako at ngaung umaga lang ha, may nakita ako evaluation for the second quarter, attitude ko towards co-employee is 1%!hahaha, 3% is the highest, I'm the lowest. Well, bakit ayaw nila ng prangka? Mas okay na sa akin ang mababang evaluation kesa makiplastican sa mga taong ayoko at feel ko rin naman na ayaw sa akin! Mas diko maaatim na makisalamuha sa kanila, nakakapangilabot! LOL...

Oh well, hanggang dito na lang muna baka ma-ban na itong blog ko. Ito lang talaga ang araw na natiempuhan na super badtrip ako. Somehow nakakatulong talaga pagnailalabas ang kainisan kahit sa ganitong paraan.

decision

Who would have thought that I would end up in this kind of situation. Hoi polloi never really expected that I can do these things. They are having a hard time to accept the matters that happened in my life. Some were unbelievably angry with the decisions I made. Some threw virulent gossips. Some turned their back. Others felt ruefulness. Some are very disappointed. I think only my foes were so glad about what I have encountered. They are really so thankful that I go down.

Chemistry is a difficult thing to put your finger on… why you are attracted to one person and not another. They say that adventure leads to spicing up a relationship or in my case, creating one where none really existed. I cannot say why, only that is was so. I got a bad case of hot chemistry, faster than you could say “off limits.”

Even though I normally have a pretty fair sense of right and wrong, when my heart becomes engrossed, it is easier to stop stampeding horses than to stop its demanding, galloping forward. I knew it was wrong and still, gave in to its insatiable appetite.

I've learned so much from this experience. Foremost, never ever give up. Accept all the realities and facts of life. Prove to all that you are making your life back on track even if still, they cannot swallow the situation you are in. I can be weak and I can be strong. I can fight and I can also be modest. I will continue to live life and be happy for the small things that I have and do things to improve my way of living.

efp_21

BiTz of ReaLity

The most PAINFUL type of love there is, is LOVE that is left NAMELESS. A love that cannot be expressed. A love that is considered to be intemperately guarded. A love that cannot be accepted of all the great unwashed. Affection is left unshown. It's a love that hides behind a mask of happiness and mirth. Yet, all that's felt down deep inside is pain, misery and annoyance. It's the love that tries to hide away how much it really cares. It keeps locked within its heart and the feeling is flowing alone. This love recoups touching, afraid of what it would say. And the most atrocious thing about a concealed love is that, IT NEVER FADES AWAY!

efp_21

i love you...i love her

Ang isa sa pinakamasakit na mangyayari sa isang relasyon eh yung malaman mo na pinagtataksilan ka ng taong mahal mo. Pinagkakatiwalaan mo siya ng buong buo yun pala hindi mo alam na habang naghihintay ka ng text o tawag niya eh nakikipaglambingan na pala siya sa iba. Ang sakit! Parang ang sarap pumatay ng tao [pero ayoko makulong ng dahil sa ganun!hmp, papakulam ko na lang!haha-- jokens]. Pero inaamin ko na hindi naman talaga ako galit sa mga taong katulad nila kasi naman may ibat'-ibang dahilan kung bakit nangyayari at nagagawa nila ang mga bagay na hindi dapat. Sabihin niyo ng mali ako pero malawak lang talaga pang-intindi ko. Kasi naman bakit ako tututol sa mga ganyan na bagay kung yun pala ang nakakapagpaligaya sa kanila na hinding-hindi ko kayang ibigay [ang lupet ko!]. Bakit ko sila pakikialaman eh mga buhay nila yun at hindi na sila mga bata na hindi marunong ng tama o mali. Pero minsan natanong nyo na ba sarili nyo, ano nga ba ang dahilan bakit may mga taong kagaya nila? Bakit nila nagagawa yun? Sa pagkakataong ito, sabayan nyo akong lawakan ang inyong mga isipan at subukan natin silang unuwain dahil baka naman -

Nabobored na siya - hindi ka na siguro katulad ng dati na sweet at thoughtful. Yung tipong, dati magtetext kang, "kumain knb?" "ingat lagi" ung tipong alarm clock ng tinatawag. O baka naman sa 10 taon niyong pagsasama eh hindi mo pa siya nailalabas para magdate? O kaya, hindi kna nag-i-i-love you, eh talaga namang mababagot yun at maghahanap ng iba.

Di siya makuntento - aminin natin na minsan talaga hindi tayo makuntento sa kung anong meron tayo kaya naghahanap pa tayo ng “MAS”, mas pogi, mas macho, mas mayaman o kaya mas malambing, mas masarap, mas magaling[saan?!?!haha, ehem]. Kung ganun malamang ngang maghahanap at maghahanap yun ng ibang tutugon sa pagkukulang ng isa.[kaya suggest ko na lang na be creative!harharhar at mahabang tawa pa!]

Mahina siya sa tukso - may mga tao talagang mahina sa tukso. Kahit di nila gustong gawin, wala silang palag dahil palay na mismo ang lumalapit. Tao lang ako, yun ang lagi nilang dahilan.

Hindi siya makapili kung sino talaga ang mahal niya - minsan magugulat na lang tayo paggising natin sa umaga marerealize natin na unti unti na pala tayong nahuhulog sa ibang taong madalas nating kausap o kasama. Tapos magiisip tayo ng magiisip kung sino ba talaga ang mahal natin pero dahil sa hindi tayo makapali, ang tanging paraan ay ang pagsabayin sila.[o diba, i'm sure maraming makakarelate-- am i right or definitely and totally right?]

Naghahanap ng atensiyon - baka naman wala ka nang oras sa kaniya. Puro nalang pagtatrabaho, pag-i-internet, pagpapaganda o pagaaral ang inaatupag mo. Baka hindi mo na rin napapansin ang bagong niyang gupit, t-shirt o sapatos kaya naghanap ng ibang taong magbibigay ng mas maraming atensiyon.

Nagsasawa na siya - ang mga tao mabilis magsawa, maumay, gusto laging bago. Ganun talaga tayong mga tao eh, walang permanenteng kasiyahan. Kaya nga hindi tayo nagiging lubusang masaya dahil hindi tayo marunong makuntento.Laging mapaghanap ng kung anong wala.

Gustong maghiganti - eto yung mga taong nabiktima na rin ng mga salawahan at gustong maghiganti. Ganito ang kadalasan nilang sinasabi, “May babae ang boyfriend ko kaya manlalalaki rin ako para maramdaman rin niya kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. Bakit siya lang ba may karapatang manloko?!?” [which is wrong based on my own experience kasi kapag nagkataon, sa huli tayo rin and lugi, tapos iiyak-iyak kasi pareho silang nawala sa buhay mo.]

Gusto lang magmayabang at patunayang malakas ang appeal niya - mas maraming boyfriend o girlfriend, mas malakas daw ang dating. Minsan gusto lang din nilang magmayabang sa tropa na marami siyang girlfriend o boyfriend dahil gwapo o maganda siya. Sadyang likas na sa kaniya ang maging babaero o lalakero, wala tayong magagawa kung sadyang ganiyan ang boyfriend o girlfriend mo, dahil kahit anong gawin mo, mangbababae at manglalalaki yang jowa mo dahil ipinanganak na siyang ganiyan. At hindi malayong mangyari na mamatay na rin siyang ganiyan. Naku wag naman sana! ang brutal ko talaga! sensya na. Kaya siguro tanggapin mo na lang ang katotohanan o di kaya humanap kna lang ng iba!wehehe

Sa ngayon yan palang ang naiisip kong maaring maging dahilan. Kung may iba pa, yun ay di ko na alam. Kaya sa mga taong naging biktima ng pagtataksil isipin din natin na baka tayo ang may pagkukulang. Para naman sa mga “two timer”, minsan sana wag maging manhid, isipin niyo rin na sa gagawin mong yan, may taong masasaktan. Hindi ba’t masakit kung sa iyo gagawin yan ng taong mahal mo? Mabilis ang karma at ang masaklap dumarating yan sa pagkakataong hindi mo inaasahan [hindi ko naman hinihiling na makarma ka kasi buhay mo yan eh, kapit papano my dignidad ka pa rin naman.] At kapag tinamaan ka ng karma, triple ang balik niyan sayo, MANIWALA KA!, [sabi nila, nanakot ba]

Well, for now, hanggang dito na lang muna, inaalis ko lang talaga antok ko, pero mukhang wa effect. Hay, ang dami ko pang gagawin pero inuna ko to kasi nasa mood akong maglathala kasi pag-ako tinamad magtipa at nagsiwalaan na mga nasa isip ko malamang maasar nanaman ako sa sarili ko! Oh siya, dito na lang talaga kasi baka mahuli ako na hindi "work related" ginagawa ko, lagi pa naman pumunta dito si rebondedbala. Haiz-- efp is signing off-- for now, be back later kung may maisip naman akong ishare!...

gUilt & tAntrums

The other day was one of those days that rocks me to my nitty-gritty and troubles me deep down inside. One of those days that has questioning my ability to be a mother, let alone a good mother.

One of those days that I have the feeling like somewhere down the road of my life I went terribly wrong and made a bad decision to become a mother because I was obviously failing miserably. One of those days that ALL mothers have. Doesn't matter who you are, where you live, rich or poor, ALL mothers have these days but most don't like to broadcast them. One of those days where I feel I'm in too deep, in over my head and I can't seem to see the bigger picture.

My God! What happened, I asked? Nothing major and don't take this post as some desperate cry for help. It is just me purging my feelings out into the world, hoping that somewhere someone else will say, "Hey, I've felt that way too. You aren't a freak at all!"

Before it happened, my day was great. I'm with my friends at work we tell stories, we shared jokes, check our account on Facebook, we visited our blogs and blog about everything under the sun to lighten up our life a bit. We had fun, laughed and enjoyed each other's company.

Then evening hit. For some reason bath time was the breaking point for me and yna, my little anaku. Maybe it's because we are not comfortable going to sleep without taking our evening routine and also, because of the weather and I am a little tired.

I was giving yna a bathe like I do every night in her bouncy seat. On the first minute, she was enjoying it as she used to, the next few minutes she goes into a major conniption. I have no idea what set her off. Seriously, NO IDEA. Before, if I encounter things like this, I usually have some idea and can guess what drives her mad, but tonight had me stumped.

I tried to calm down yna so she wouldn't harm herself in bathing but this only raged her more. With her continuous meltdown I managed to take her out of bathe and scrambled to put a diaper on her, only to witness her rip it off minutes later. She was in a furry of her own. I wasn't even able to get to fed her because she was so upset and I didn't know what to do. I had tried changing her, wrapping her, rocking her, swaying her, pacing with her. Nothing. I then decided so make a small bottle to help calm her. Nope, she didn't want that.

My temper burst and forbearance was gone, I scolded her but I was also crying because I really don't know what's happening on her. I left her in her bed feeling defeated. After a few second, after realizing what I have acted, I rushed back to her and I instead put some petroleum jelly to soothe her butt, put some acite de manzanilla on her tummy and her soft spot because I guess she is suffered from gas pain and the like. I put her in her bed, kissed her and told her I loved her. I tried feeding her a little, but she really didn't want it. I can't put jammies on her because she is really fussy! I let her cry for a while and after a few minutes she eventually calmed down and she sort of just slowly gave out and feel asleep. Overly tired? Stopped up with upset tummy from starting solids? Teething? A guess is as good as mine. I let her rest while I walked up and headed to the door to at least refresh my mind and get some fresh air.

After the chaos, I just went into my bed and sat on the bed in a sort of zombie-like state. Like the weight of the world was just hitting me for the first time but still staring on yna's face sound asleep. While I'm staring at yna's face, I asked myself, "What am I doing? Do I have the ability, let alone the stamina for this? What would my mother going to do with me if she knows what I had done yna? Am I totally ill equipped?" These were all the thoughts that were swirling around my head.

What do you do when you feel like this? For me, I take a moment to live the emotion and really feel it. I am learning to except the fact that it is okay to have these feelings and to not like being a mother sometimes. It doesn't mean we don't love our kids or take pride in our families. It just means, like everyone else in their jobs, sometimes you get a little tapped out.

Have you ever felt this way? What was it that set you off? What works for you to regain composure and regain your focus?

I love my baby and I am proud to be her mother, but everyone has bad days sometime.