i love you...i love her

Ang isa sa pinakamasakit na mangyayari sa isang relasyon eh yung malaman mo na pinagtataksilan ka ng taong mahal mo. Pinagkakatiwalaan mo siya ng buong buo yun pala hindi mo alam na habang naghihintay ka ng text o tawag niya eh nakikipaglambingan na pala siya sa iba. Ang sakit! Parang ang sarap pumatay ng tao [pero ayoko makulong ng dahil sa ganun!hmp, papakulam ko na lang!haha-- jokens]. Pero inaamin ko na hindi naman talaga ako galit sa mga taong katulad nila kasi naman may ibat'-ibang dahilan kung bakit nangyayari at nagagawa nila ang mga bagay na hindi dapat. Sabihin niyo ng mali ako pero malawak lang talaga pang-intindi ko. Kasi naman bakit ako tututol sa mga ganyan na bagay kung yun pala ang nakakapagpaligaya sa kanila na hinding-hindi ko kayang ibigay [ang lupet ko!]. Bakit ko sila pakikialaman eh mga buhay nila yun at hindi na sila mga bata na hindi marunong ng tama o mali. Pero minsan natanong nyo na ba sarili nyo, ano nga ba ang dahilan bakit may mga taong kagaya nila? Bakit nila nagagawa yun? Sa pagkakataong ito, sabayan nyo akong lawakan ang inyong mga isipan at subukan natin silang unuwain dahil baka naman -

Nabobored na siya - hindi ka na siguro katulad ng dati na sweet at thoughtful. Yung tipong, dati magtetext kang, "kumain knb?" "ingat lagi" ung tipong alarm clock ng tinatawag. O baka naman sa 10 taon niyong pagsasama eh hindi mo pa siya nailalabas para magdate? O kaya, hindi kna nag-i-i-love you, eh talaga namang mababagot yun at maghahanap ng iba.

Di siya makuntento - aminin natin na minsan talaga hindi tayo makuntento sa kung anong meron tayo kaya naghahanap pa tayo ng “MAS”, mas pogi, mas macho, mas mayaman o kaya mas malambing, mas masarap, mas magaling[saan?!?!haha, ehem]. Kung ganun malamang ngang maghahanap at maghahanap yun ng ibang tutugon sa pagkukulang ng isa.[kaya suggest ko na lang na be creative!harharhar at mahabang tawa pa!]

Mahina siya sa tukso - may mga tao talagang mahina sa tukso. Kahit di nila gustong gawin, wala silang palag dahil palay na mismo ang lumalapit. Tao lang ako, yun ang lagi nilang dahilan.

Hindi siya makapili kung sino talaga ang mahal niya - minsan magugulat na lang tayo paggising natin sa umaga marerealize natin na unti unti na pala tayong nahuhulog sa ibang taong madalas nating kausap o kasama. Tapos magiisip tayo ng magiisip kung sino ba talaga ang mahal natin pero dahil sa hindi tayo makapali, ang tanging paraan ay ang pagsabayin sila.[o diba, i'm sure maraming makakarelate-- am i right or definitely and totally right?]

Naghahanap ng atensiyon - baka naman wala ka nang oras sa kaniya. Puro nalang pagtatrabaho, pag-i-internet, pagpapaganda o pagaaral ang inaatupag mo. Baka hindi mo na rin napapansin ang bagong niyang gupit, t-shirt o sapatos kaya naghanap ng ibang taong magbibigay ng mas maraming atensiyon.

Nagsasawa na siya - ang mga tao mabilis magsawa, maumay, gusto laging bago. Ganun talaga tayong mga tao eh, walang permanenteng kasiyahan. Kaya nga hindi tayo nagiging lubusang masaya dahil hindi tayo marunong makuntento.Laging mapaghanap ng kung anong wala.

Gustong maghiganti - eto yung mga taong nabiktima na rin ng mga salawahan at gustong maghiganti. Ganito ang kadalasan nilang sinasabi, “May babae ang boyfriend ko kaya manlalalaki rin ako para maramdaman rin niya kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. Bakit siya lang ba may karapatang manloko?!?” [which is wrong based on my own experience kasi kapag nagkataon, sa huli tayo rin and lugi, tapos iiyak-iyak kasi pareho silang nawala sa buhay mo.]

Gusto lang magmayabang at patunayang malakas ang appeal niya - mas maraming boyfriend o girlfriend, mas malakas daw ang dating. Minsan gusto lang din nilang magmayabang sa tropa na marami siyang girlfriend o boyfriend dahil gwapo o maganda siya. Sadyang likas na sa kaniya ang maging babaero o lalakero, wala tayong magagawa kung sadyang ganiyan ang boyfriend o girlfriend mo, dahil kahit anong gawin mo, mangbababae at manglalalaki yang jowa mo dahil ipinanganak na siyang ganiyan. At hindi malayong mangyari na mamatay na rin siyang ganiyan. Naku wag naman sana! ang brutal ko talaga! sensya na. Kaya siguro tanggapin mo na lang ang katotohanan o di kaya humanap kna lang ng iba!wehehe

Sa ngayon yan palang ang naiisip kong maaring maging dahilan. Kung may iba pa, yun ay di ko na alam. Kaya sa mga taong naging biktima ng pagtataksil isipin din natin na baka tayo ang may pagkukulang. Para naman sa mga “two timer”, minsan sana wag maging manhid, isipin niyo rin na sa gagawin mong yan, may taong masasaktan. Hindi ba’t masakit kung sa iyo gagawin yan ng taong mahal mo? Mabilis ang karma at ang masaklap dumarating yan sa pagkakataong hindi mo inaasahan [hindi ko naman hinihiling na makarma ka kasi buhay mo yan eh, kapit papano my dignidad ka pa rin naman.] At kapag tinamaan ka ng karma, triple ang balik niyan sayo, MANIWALA KA!, [sabi nila, nanakot ba]

Well, for now, hanggang dito na lang muna, inaalis ko lang talaga antok ko, pero mukhang wa effect. Hay, ang dami ko pang gagawin pero inuna ko to kasi nasa mood akong maglathala kasi pag-ako tinamad magtipa at nagsiwalaan na mga nasa isip ko malamang maasar nanaman ako sa sarili ko! Oh siya, dito na lang talaga kasi baka mahuli ako na hindi "work related" ginagawa ko, lagi pa naman pumunta dito si rebondedbala. Haiz-- efp is signing off-- for now, be back later kung may maisip naman akong ishare!...

gUilt & tAntrums

The other day was one of those days that rocks me to my nitty-gritty and troubles me deep down inside. One of those days that has questioning my ability to be a mother, let alone a good mother.

One of those days that I have the feeling like somewhere down the road of my life I went terribly wrong and made a bad decision to become a mother because I was obviously failing miserably. One of those days that ALL mothers have. Doesn't matter who you are, where you live, rich or poor, ALL mothers have these days but most don't like to broadcast them. One of those days where I feel I'm in too deep, in over my head and I can't seem to see the bigger picture.

My God! What happened, I asked? Nothing major and don't take this post as some desperate cry for help. It is just me purging my feelings out into the world, hoping that somewhere someone else will say, "Hey, I've felt that way too. You aren't a freak at all!"

Before it happened, my day was great. I'm with my friends at work we tell stories, we shared jokes, check our account on Facebook, we visited our blogs and blog about everything under the sun to lighten up our life a bit. We had fun, laughed and enjoyed each other's company.

Then evening hit. For some reason bath time was the breaking point for me and yna, my little anaku. Maybe it's because we are not comfortable going to sleep without taking our evening routine and also, because of the weather and I am a little tired.

I was giving yna a bathe like I do every night in her bouncy seat. On the first minute, she was enjoying it as she used to, the next few minutes she goes into a major conniption. I have no idea what set her off. Seriously, NO IDEA. Before, if I encounter things like this, I usually have some idea and can guess what drives her mad, but tonight had me stumped.

I tried to calm down yna so she wouldn't harm herself in bathing but this only raged her more. With her continuous meltdown I managed to take her out of bathe and scrambled to put a diaper on her, only to witness her rip it off minutes later. She was in a furry of her own. I wasn't even able to get to fed her because she was so upset and I didn't know what to do. I had tried changing her, wrapping her, rocking her, swaying her, pacing with her. Nothing. I then decided so make a small bottle to help calm her. Nope, she didn't want that.

My temper burst and forbearance was gone, I scolded her but I was also crying because I really don't know what's happening on her. I left her in her bed feeling defeated. After a few second, after realizing what I have acted, I rushed back to her and I instead put some petroleum jelly to soothe her butt, put some acite de manzanilla on her tummy and her soft spot because I guess she is suffered from gas pain and the like. I put her in her bed, kissed her and told her I loved her. I tried feeding her a little, but she really didn't want it. I can't put jammies on her because she is really fussy! I let her cry for a while and after a few minutes she eventually calmed down and she sort of just slowly gave out and feel asleep. Overly tired? Stopped up with upset tummy from starting solids? Teething? A guess is as good as mine. I let her rest while I walked up and headed to the door to at least refresh my mind and get some fresh air.

After the chaos, I just went into my bed and sat on the bed in a sort of zombie-like state. Like the weight of the world was just hitting me for the first time but still staring on yna's face sound asleep. While I'm staring at yna's face, I asked myself, "What am I doing? Do I have the ability, let alone the stamina for this? What would my mother going to do with me if she knows what I had done yna? Am I totally ill equipped?" These were all the thoughts that were swirling around my head.

What do you do when you feel like this? For me, I take a moment to live the emotion and really feel it. I am learning to except the fact that it is okay to have these feelings and to not like being a mother sometimes. It doesn't mean we don't love our kids or take pride in our families. It just means, like everyone else in their jobs, sometimes you get a little tapped out.

Have you ever felt this way? What was it that set you off? What works for you to regain composure and regain your focus?

I love my baby and I am proud to be her mother, but everyone has bad days sometime.

as I get matured

As i've matured, I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in[hehe]...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankes.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion-- not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others-- they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, they keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities[haha]

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

efp_21

oUch iT's hUrts

Andito ako sa opisina, nasa harap ako ng computer ng may ideang pumasok sa isip ko. Wala lang, basta na lang nag-pop-up bigla. Siguro kasi nabobore na ako ng konti sa pagtatrabaho, linggo kasi ngayon idagdag pa na konti lang ang tao dito. Wala ako masyadong makausap, makaharutan kasi hindi nagsipasok. Okay lang na gumawa ako nito total naman, eh quota na ako![hehehe]. Hindi lang ako ang nakaramdam nito-- ng ganitong klaseng sakit ng loob, siguro kayo rin. Ewan ko kung makarelate kayo, pero sa pag-iisip ko, eto ang ilan sa mga bagay na talagang naginf dahilan para sumakit loob ko, mga bagay na mahirap tanggapin [di ko kayang tanggapin- april boy?hehehe]. WHAT HURTS -

- letting go of a person you've just learned to love.
- reminiscing the good times you shared together.
- shielding ur heart to love somebody.
- trying to hide what you really feel.
- trying to hide the tears that involuntarily fall from ur eyes.
- loving a person too much without loving you in return.

- giving up someone you never thought of giving up.

- having the right love at the wrong time.
- taking the risk to fall in love again.
- hiding your relationship from someone else.
- controlling ur feelings to avoid hurting a friend.

- thinking of him every waking and sleeping moment knowing all the while that he never even thinks single thought of you.

- letting go, because everytime you see the person, you only fall deeper.
- holding back only to find out when it's too late, you both felt the same way, but were only scared to lose each other so much that you didn't let the feelings out.

- falling inlove with someone you didnt mean to fall inlove with.

- finding the perfect man, with only one problem, he doesnt love you.
- helping the one you love court your friend
- seeing the one you love crying for someone else.
- the waiting also hurts like hell.
- having to hear "I've met someone"
- agreeing to his wish to 'just be friends'.
- asking his freedom back b'coz 'he'd be happier with her'
- asking you to 'forget what everything happened' and be 'normal' friends again.
- hearing that you're treated as a little sister.

- sharing his future plans for the girl with you.

- you stopped being friends b'coz her bf/gf asked her/him to.
- being denied in front of people.
- telling u lies where he'd been when actually, he was with a 'new friend' or an 'old flame'!
- she told you she'd be leaving you to return to her ex (d one she left 4 u!)
- breaking someone's heart.
- fighting for that one thing that would make you happy.
- holding on to a person who can not guarantee you his commitment unless he fixed himself, then, you are left hanging for the moment, then he says, time will tell but you still decided to hope in him and trust him

- pretending you're fine but the truth is you feel like dying.

- pretending to be strong and recognizing your weakness
- lying in bed each night, thinking of that special person you can never have.
- being with someone you can't actually love.
- pretending you don't love a person whom you actually love.
- being in love.
- letting go even if you really don't want to having no right to say you are hurting, because it was your decision.
- seeing the person you love and was hurt because of you and not being able to help that person...
- having the courage to say I LOVE YOU to the person you love and finding out afterwards that things will never be the same again when he doesnt treat you with the same closeness as before
- having to face the fact that someone is capable of completely destroying the wall that you have set for yourself, leaving you weak and vulnerable.
- admitting that you love someone despite his imperfections
- finding out that the more you try to hate him, the more you end up loving him perhaps even more than before.
- realizing how stupid your mistakes were that led to your break-up.
- the thought that this guy, used to really love you and you loved him as well but you didn't give enough and he gave up on you
- sharing the one you love with somebody else.
- making a promises and realizing that when the time has come for that promise to be delivered, the commitment is no longer there.
- you sacrifice everything but he never sees it and still opted to leave you because he feels that it's still not enough
- the hardest thing about love - believing it exists.




After you've been hurt...
...learn to forgive
...learn to trust and love again!



efp_21

reAlization

Narealize ko na kahit na anong effort ang ibigay mo, di mo tlga ma-p-please lahat. Meron at meron pa ring di matutuwa. Well, kasi iba iba tayo ng preferences, so all we need to do is to understand each other, right? Haiz, ang akin lang, it would be better if you try to be fair at all times. Know the premises first, don't jump into conclusions. Because if you do you might hurt others' feelings, be sensitive na lang [kung meron kayo non!] Alamin din both sides of the stories hindi ung sa'yo lang pakikinggan mo o yung kay Maysala A o ung kay Maysala B. Try to be an effective judge yourself.

Hala! ang labo ko na ata, basta-- ganun. Ang gulo rin ng isip ko ngaun eh. Pro one thing narealize ko, sa panahon na pagta-trabaho ko, sobrang maraming bagay na nangyari. For sure di ko 'to makakalimutan. Pero may mga bagay at tao dito na ang lalabo. Minsan okay sila, minsan hindi. Ung iba hindi marunong umintindi. Meron silang sariling gobyerno, ayaw unmintindi ng rason ng iba ang gusto nila kung ano yung sa kanila yun na yun, fixed, final!

Which is wrong as in maling-mali! Meron naman ibang kala mo matapang pero pag nasa sitwasyon sila ng gipitan natatakot na, ilalag pa ung tinatawag nilang kaibigan. [anong klaseng tao ka ba?!] Nangangatal na at ilalabas ang sarili sa gulo! Akala mo uurungan kita, ang lakas ng loob mong magsabing mag-usap usap sa opisina ng nakakataas, yung unang insidente ngang pangyayari sa buhay mo na nadawit ka halatang-halatang takot ka, hindi mo kayang itago yun! Ang akin lang sana lang bago mo ibuka bibig mo pakaisipin mo muna ng bilyong beses bago mo isawalat nasa isip mo! Humarap ka sa salamin, pakatitigan mo mukha mo kasi yan mismo ang gumagawa ng sarili mong multo.

Wopzi-- wait lang, hindi ako nakikipagaway, sumama lang talaga ng sobra loob ko! At eto lang ata ang way para mailabas to, kasi naman kahapon pa akong hindi masaya sa mga nangyayari. Iiwas na lang ako sa mga bagay-bagay, pero ipopoint out ko na hindi bahag and buntot ko. Ayoko lang maging bida sa mga panahon ngaun, iiwas na lang ako kesa ano pa masabi ko na makakasakit ng damdamin ng iba! Ang labo-labo ko na talaga, basta I believe that every person has inherent worth and dignity at sana paniwalaan mo rin yun, kahit ang pinakamakasalanang tao kailangan pa ring bigyan ng pagkakataong ipagtanggol sarili niya...

Teka, masyado ng lumalayo, dito na lang muna. Masyado ng mainit dito sa lugar ko, i need fresh air. Punta muna ako sa may bintana kasi mejo exhausted na ako!


efp_21

gaLiT


Labing dalawang oras ng pagtatrabaho

At galit ang inihandog sa akin

Ng kinasasabikang kaibigan

Galit na nasiklaban

Na tila posporong sinindihan

At walang pasubaling itinapon

Sa isang garapon ng damdamin

Ng naglalawang gasolina

Naguumapaw na naipong mga luha

Na pinilit lunukin at bumalot

Na parang semento sa pusong

Tuluyang napuno na ng poot

Na marahil tulad ko’y maglalaho

Isasama sa aking paglisan

Bitbit: isang bote ng tubig

Isang headset

Isang libong piso

At isang lumang keyboard

H’wag mo akong subukang hanapin
Hayaang pakawalan ang lihim
Ng isang galit na malalim!


efp_21

dreAms are my rEaLity

I’ve got my head in the clouds and my feet planted firmly-- well, in the same place. I'm a dreamer and an optimist. I dream, and I believe my dreams will come true. Does that make me crazy, immature, hard to manage? Yes, probably. Explains a lot of alone time, doesn’t it?

I “DREAM” of finding that guy. I “BELIEVE” I will. I almost sometimes, hope that maybe I already have. It would save me a lot of time and trouble. Most days I look into the pot of potentials on my dating site and “dream” of a bigger pot with more choices, or just the choices I want.

My maven is out there. I can feel him getting closer. My path has taken some interesting twists and turns, so it would have been difficult finding me up until now. I didn’t want to be found; I hid, tucked safely way behind big cities, busy jobs, and excuses. I was driving at warp speed and when I finally put on the brakes, discovered that life, love, all of it had passed me by. I was alive, for I was breathing in and out. But when did I exhale? All the driving, hurrying, running, hiding, working my fingers to the bone, pretending it was life. What was I doing, actually? I’ve had to look those questions in the eye and answer them today, and now have the audacity to wonder – Where is he?

Maybe I’ve already met him. Was it Buboy who sat next to me in grade five and stared at me with teary eyes when I was scolded our teacher? Was it that cute boy who was the last on the bus route in third year high? Is it that cute guy in line at the bank who instead of making eye contact with, I chose to stare at my shoes? Or was it that shy guy at the office that someone later told me was the one putting cup cakes near my computer? Did I dismiss him like a child from the room? Was I kind? Was I cruel? Was I rude? Maybe God punished me for not being pure of heart when he brought him to me, and now my hell on earth is to live my days looking for him.

I have met men who make my blood boil, made every inch of my body burn with desire and some who have made my heart beat so fast I feared it would beat right out of my chest. But if what I really needed was someone who made my heart beat slower? Not so slow that it would be in danger of stopping altogether, just beat at a pace that I can hear for a change. A pace I can understand. It would feel like a warm blanket wrapped around my shoulders; it wouldn’t need to cover me completely to be exactly what I needed to feel safe and warm.

He is etched in my brain. His face is soft and complicated at the same time. Eyes somewhere between dark brown to light brown and their gaze feels like a spring day-- warm, inviting, and full of light. Full crimson lips that beckon me to kiss them. Hands that tell of young days of hard work, firm and thickened-- and I crave them in mine. He wears no cologne, but when he does it's intoxicating to the senses. He carries himself well but inside desires to be taller, dark, all the things he thinks women want. He is exactly what I want. Confident and insecure, searching for himself in all he does. He too is searching for that kindred soul-– the one who will love him enough to let him off the hook--for he’s weary and needs a rest from life-– and from himself.

Like me, he needs to exhale-- URGENTLY. But exhaling means letting go, it means facing his own mortality, vulnerability, and fate. It means facing his past and his future squarely in the face with the same eyes. He will fight it, and he will lose. He doesn’t like losing; being in control defines him and he despises variables, especially the ones he can’t see, feel, or even touch. But he does feel them, he feels them deeply and to his core.

He runs away, never towards. He plays by his own rules but he hasn’t met me yet, and when he does, all those rules will go out the window. He will be powerless and terrified. I will smile and move towards him. My steady gaze will tell him everything he needs to know. The world will be silent, the sound of our breath and our hearts will be the only thing we hear, the only thing that matters. And when finally, his will to resist all but disappears, I will take his trembling, calloused hand in mine and he will be loved.

My maven, the one I choose to shine with outside of my body, outside of my soul-- is still out there. If I see him, I will know now. Like the simple soul of a child, the purest hearts to ever grace this earth-- my heart will remain pure, open and I will brazenly ask God to bring him back my way. I will not waste this chance, for it may be my last . . .

Yes, I’m a “dreamer”. And I powerfully BELIEVE that DREAMS can come true.

sorry nah!

I have been having these feelings lately, like you're out there searching for me. We ended on such bad terms and I ache for that closure we never attained. It's not that I loved you, I have moved on but I still do love you from afar. There were so many things left unsaid, so many harsh words, so much pain and then the silence. I remember seeing you that night and you walked out mumbling something about our misunderstanding. I understand why you felt that way, but that would have not happened. I get phone calls at my residence from people we know asking about what our problem is. And it is really weird. I ignored them, because I would not tell them anything even if I did. I hope you're okay and doing well, I miss your sense of adventure as I have become quite the homebody and I miss just having fun. But don't get me wrong, I am happy now. But there is always going to be that part of my soul that is going to drift and try to find answers to questions that haunt me to this day. I am sorry about all that crap that went on in our pasts, it was so intense and life changing. Please know that I have forgiven you, and I hope one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me too.

nhe_032104

sTarted

I'm this ordinary girl, which happenes to be talkative in the class. I'm still a senior high school that time and I never had a boyfriend before so i'm unexperienced. I'm not so lucky because I belong in a class wherein males are outnumbered by females. There were only seven males and five of them were on the third sex. Wheew!

On the first week of class, I had an unknown textmate. My classmates used to get my phone and they were the one texting my mysterious texter. I'm not enterainig it that much because I'm too afraid of what he looks like.(kinda cheesy, right? Malay ko kasi that time kung ano hitsura non and in fact, hindi ko gusto ang my katextmate.)

Then one day when I was so upset, I've got my phone to text my friends that can somehow ease what I feel. But I almost texted all of them but I've got no reply. And when suddenly, this "textmate" that I used to ignore texted. Hay, lalo talaga akong nabadtrip bakit ba sya pa ang nagtext. But I opted to text back because I have no choice. I told myself, hmmp, pagtitiyagaan ko na lang nga!hehehe. And it started there. I've found out after a text or two na medyo gumaan pakiramdam ko. It's a good thing talaga na may nahihingaan ng sama na loob especially sa isang taong hindi mo pa lubusang kilala. And to cut the story short we became friends. And a few months later, I've noticed that I'm starting to fall from him.(uyyy) He courted me. At first, I tried to show him that I'm an uninterested. When we first met, I just smiled politely, not showing any interest for him as a lover but just as a friend (syempre kailangang magpakipot). No, but I'm just really afraid to be hurt.

Then, everyday he would visit me at my school and would always bring something to eat. My gosh, ang mga bruha kong friends enjoy na enjoy kasi libre na lahat. They are teasing me to answer na daw the guy, para lalong sumarap meriendang dinadala. Then I said, tsehh, kayo na lang sumagot if you like. And then, tawanan sila.

After eleven months of courting, I finally answered him. It was March 21, 2004. At that night, he called me and told me that he was too lucky (chenes). I suddenly felt-- I don't know, kinda happy, jumpy and tingly.

The next day, I was surprised to see him really early. I mean he never goes to school early. And I mean NEVER, when I look at him, he said, I love you some people heard it. At lunch, I ate in the cafeteria when all of a sudden my friends sat next to me asked "kayo na?" and other said, are you two dating? I quickly denied kasi naman alam kong mang-aasar sila kasi nga I told them na hindi ko sasagutin kasi I don't love him. After a week, I have decided to tell my friends about it and yun nga inulan ako ng pang-aasar at panunukso. And after a few days, nagsubside na rin pang-aasae nila. Thank God.

The next few months, I've come to know him better and I was so happy to have him in my life. Now, we are on our sixth year together and we are blessed with a baby girl.

SECREttttt

...psst, may sasabihin ako. Isang secretong napakalaki-- malaki na siguro to. Uhm, nagadadalawang isip kasi ako baka sabihin mo sa kanya eh. Pero sige na nga, okay lang kung makaabot sa kanya. Kasi ganito, hindi ko alam kung saan at paano nagumpisa lahat. Kasi napansin ko na lang eh humahanga na ako sa kanya! Imagine, narealize ko na lang isang araw na crush ko na siya. Parang magic. Isang kabuteng tumubo na lang basta without that much effort, ahaha. Sa totoo lang hindi ko naman talaga alam kung ano ba talaga ang nagustuhan ko sakanya. Siguro dahil mabait siya. Responsable. Cute naman ng konti, hehehe, peace! Pero bakit ba nagkakacrush pa rin ako? Masyado na ba akong malandi? Hay, okay lang, kasi alam ko naman na lilipas lang 'to. Siguro magigising na lang ako ulit isang araw na hindi na sya nag-e-exists sa sistema ko.

Wala naman, isa lang syang inspirasyon na maituturing, siyempre, wala ng ibang hihigit pa sa ama ng anak ko sa puso ko noh! Hehe, tart, sorry na alam mo naman na may crush ako, di ba?? Sinasabi ko naman sayo lahat kasi ayokong magtago. Tsaka relax ka lang jan, kasi mahal na mahal kita, okay. At hindi kita ipagpapalit kahit na kay Albert Martinez lang, hahaha.

Hindi naman siguro maituturing na kasalanan ang magkaroon lang naman ng crush di ba as long as hindi sosobra sa limitasyon. Now, alam nyo na ba kung sino crush ko? Wag nyo na lang sigurong alamin pangalan nya kasi baka lumaki ulo. Most often than not, may mga tao kasi kapag alam nila na may humahanga sa kanila eh lumalaki ulo kaya siguro I'll keep it this way na wag nang ireveal kung sino siya, hehehe. Minsan nakakatakot talagang umamin kasi nakakahiya, tapos naguumpisa ng magkaroon ng gap sa pagitan nyo. Kaya, I would opt na wag na lang. Basta point out ko lang ulit na may hinahangaan ako, isa sainyo-- who knows, ikaw na, oo ikaw na bumabasa nito. Except syempre ang kabaro ko noh-- gurlz, hindi tayo talo ah, hehe.

Sige na malapit na uwian, kaya hanggang dito na lang muna...

aNaku

For my little girl-- anaku!

I as a mother, working at the same time, I don’t have all day to spend with my baby, So as much as possible, I try to reach out, to know her through other people like my neighboors and her nanny. It's hard to be as a working mom, kasi hindi mo nasusubaybayan ng maayos ang paglaki ng anak mo. Minsan nga masakit unawain na mas kilala pa ng anak ko ang nagaalaga sa kanya kesa sakin. But what can I do, I'm working because I'm doing it for her own good. so that I can provide her with the things she needs. Kahit na kapalit nun oras sa kanya. Pero pagkagaling ko naman ng trabaho kahit pagod na pagod na ako but once makita ko na anak ko hay, nawawala lahat ng pagod ko. And cute na nga eh, naguumpisa na siyang tumayo, minsan nga para nakong baliw kasi naluluha ako everytime my bago syang natututuhan.

Anaku, I have written three letters to you with a paper and a pen since you were born, kahit na hindi mo pa mababasa. They are sealed and hidden somewhere sa mga gamit ko. Maybe they will get lost in some time, or maybe you will find them years from now at mabasa mo at hindi ko alam magiging reaction mo, kung matutuwa ka o maiinis sa kakornihan ng nanay mo.

Anaku, gusto ko lang naman sabihin na, I hope you ne'er miss your sense of curiosity. You get your satisfaction to eat but always keep that crave. May you never take one single breath for granted. God forbid love ever leave you hollow handed,I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean. Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens. Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance. I hope when you grow up, you can understand our situation. Yun lang naman at wala ng iba, basta lagi mo lang pakakatandaan na mahal na mahal na mahal kita. --nanay...

iNaKu

God gave me listings
of mother's names
and pictures of them too.


I searched and searched
they all looked the same

and then I saw you.

Who is this woman?

I asked the Jesus

She looks quite dainty to me.

You have chosen well my child.

And he spoke these words to me.

She is kind and soft

and very wise

and she will hold you

close to her

when you cry.

Her eyes will shine

when you take your first step
and smile at your delight.

She will show her pride
when you succeed
and pick you up
when you fail.


She will work hard
to give you the best she can
and rock you to sleep with weary time worn hands.


She wil shelter you
on stormy days
and drie your fears away.


She will bask with you
in sunshine on
sunny summer days.


And when you are grown
like you soon will be
She will still be there
To comfort you.


I choose her.
I told the Lord
For none like her
I've seen before.
And the day came
when I was born.

I had chosen well
of this I'm sure.
I picked you
above the rest
and because I did
My life is blessed

-=:fiNe bUt nEver beeN beTter_

You get upset when you’re caught in the mess you’ve made.

You'll tell a lie, try to obscure, and believe you'll get away.

Didn’t the word say, “There is nothing hidden that will not be discovered,

Or concealed that will be made known”? I really strongly believe in this locution.

You skip to hide all the things the light has shown.

And you still don’t see,

“Your venom may be concealed by deceit, but your loathsomeness will be exposed in the assembly.”

You stir up a cunning riot to differ what is true.

It’s simply something you always do.

It’s somewhat amusing how you talk about

Thinking that no one has seen your den

To the ignorance, an obnubilate

To the hauteur which raises a fist

Your ways are counted and numbered

During the nights and days you’ve slumbered

It’s a quiescency soul as black as ember.

The sirens hollered ahead

But you chose to take a chance.

You’re a fool masked to be wise,

But now you’re faced up with your barriers of lies.

Your aftermaths were foretold,

But you apparently opted to achieve for every piece of gold.

You chose the back road

That horse you rode

And now you face the price.

You’ve finally rolled your last dice.

And we're back at the beginning.